Lately I have been having deep phases of being down on my self and letting negative thoughts creep in and heavily having a hard time not living in Los Angeles. I’m a very giving, loving person with everyone in my life but outside of my family, I have noticed I have less to give lately. Less checking in with people less loving on friends.. just less of what makes me .. me. It’s stuff I noticed was going on and I’ve been very vocal about it to my husband and just trying to keep my thoughts right about not being too down on myself because I have lots of good too. Los Angeles.. Southern California..It’s my favorite place in the world. One, for the energy and life that is all around.. it brings out a side to me that only Los Angeles can. I love it so much. People are thriving there and you just feel it.
We have been traveling many times a year for 10 years since we moved back from a year of living there. Some bad things happened that I will one day tell and we have been living in Oregon ever since we left. Oregon is where both my husband and I have always lived, born and raised. We have 3 kids and they all have have grown up so much and are blooming so much individually and we created a life here for them that it only has become harder and harder to leave and replace in Los Angeles. They are all 3 dancers and in competitive dancing and don’t want to dance anywhere else because it’s become a dance family that’s irreplaceable and they all love it greatly. Dance is very expensive and we can’t have it in Los Angeles also with the higher cost of living it is to live there. It’s very important for me as a mom to keep them busy and their minds busy with good being put into their minds along with our help.. to keep them from falling into not having a sport and just hanging around constantly and getting into trouble because they have too much time on their hands. From my childhood I know a sport long time would have helped me keep my mind busier and less time time to focus on the things that hurt me. As well as the higher costs being in the house size for 5 with a office in a safe suburban area. Two things that are majorly against us to be able to live there full time. It’s not what I want to live in Oregon and I’ve been doing it for 10 plus years for the kids and I’m not perfect and I’m human with feelings and emotions and lately I’ve been having a very hard time staying because my opportunities in every day life are less than here. There is no networking opportunities here like in Los Angeles and just being able to be around other people who have the same life as me.. helps so much. Here no one is in the same shoes as me and it feels so lonely sometimes. So we go as much as we can each year and that’s all we can do until my music brings us there at a time I would have to be there, which, more money would be coming in to be able to afford it without the amazing dance studio the kids would have to leave behind. They know at that point they could leave it behind more if” I made it”. They know mentally one day that’s the plan and hope we all have for my music, but not until then could I not feel guilty as if I made them now not being able to dance in Los Angeles.
It’s our job to put the kids first but as some point I have to make sure I’m ok too. It’s a balancing act to make sure both are being done and this is what we’ve come up with as parents and as a family and it’s hard for me more then others in the family. Everyone else Is doing so good and honestly I’m struggling here and have been for awhile cause I need to be there. I have to make it work though and I’m trying. Gods been writing my story since before I found him and I can’t just quit or give up because it’s too hard. The music can’t be taken out of me because it would be easier. It’s not a option and others jobs as well to know that and respect it as it’s a long journey for any musician and as long as you don’t give up you have all you really need especially if you have Gods help on your side. Next time you roll your eyes at a musician taking too much time and you think they will never “make it” look into their life and see how hard they really are trying and try rooting for them instead! I could use all the prayers for anyone who wants to pray for me! ❤️
Never Give Up